Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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