i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
