this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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