it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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