get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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