i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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