Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
