Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
