he wants to bone in the snuggie
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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