She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
