I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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