My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Non-Jews are for practice
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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