Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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