My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
