My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
