Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
