I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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