So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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