dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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