Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
