i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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