I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
