Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize