Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
