I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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