I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
