I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
