so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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