I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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