saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
