just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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