He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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