is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Everyone says I win the strip club
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
