She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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