i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
