Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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