I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
