i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish I only lived at night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
God, I missed his penis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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