any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
