return my video game
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
