Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
