you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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