Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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