I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you guys were way drunker than both of me
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
