i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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