I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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