had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
