Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
