Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
