Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
