I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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