hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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