i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
