Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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